Right Now.

Within the last 5 hours, my legs have ached, my brow has poured, and the guilt that should have vacated my shoulders immediately, has instead been plucked. Imagine, each memory, each experience of your past where you were in the wrong, as a feather. And your subconscious, a poultry farmer, plucking away, slowly. The only thought in your mind, “Why can’t you go faster?”

Ok, here’s some background.

5 years ago. Finally, the Doomsday Clock of public school has reached it’s 12th Graduation. Good bye, bitches. All you get, a panic attack and a middle finger. Oh, you’re offended? I have a bad attitude? Of course I do, I was only laughed at. Who in my own student body proved their humanity? Being cast out by an ignorant class says more than your offense.

Why would you even tempt me? You know how I can explode, and all you do is pick at me. I’m not a scab! I’m a human being, god damn it! I have the right to react to your humiliating tactics! This is a high school, not a zoo! I’m a person, not a lion!

Oh, look at this. They’ve kicked me out of Math Class. But, it’s not my fault! I didn’t do anything to warrant this extradition… well, that’s not exactly true… But that’s beside the point! Who hasn’t thrown a chair? Yelled at people? Taken things too seriously? Been so angry… and angry… and angry…

5 months ago. Maybe I was too angry as a teen. Here’s the secret… these feelings can be tucked in. Anger is a child that hates bed time. And, to my own credit, I’m a pretty good parent. But, nowadays, it’s harder to coral my behavior. “How so?” you ask.

Heartbreak. Five years ago, a girlfriend wasn’t an option, but eight months ago? I found myself swept away with a beautiful, broken, and scared woman. Someone who’d suffered unimaginable pain, ringers that I hadn’t trained for.

Though, she was unique, she also reflected too much of my past. A sentence of my immaturity. Those complications led to our relationship turning into, “8 Months Ago.” Now, I’m left with the regret of that time but also, the question, “How do I stop feeling this way?”

5 weeks ago. Well, the world is chained. Restricted. Quarantined. A world that’s decided to be beaten by disease and injustice. And, here I am. Stuck. One good thing to take away, my anger has been asleep ever since I last put it to bed. Good night.

But the world is a kin to the neighbors of an apartment with thin walls. And in feeling stuck, it’s hard not to feel powerless. Disturbed. Angered. And look what’s happened, everyone else’s madness has draped the streets, the media, and their lives. Why can’t I cut loose?

My world, my sick, my loneliness… Wow, has it really been almost a year since I’ve seen her?

5 days ago. Enough is enough! As the wise and manipulated said before I, “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!” I’m stuck and stuck and stuck. Not only in place but in mind. I could be trapped under a collapsed building, with glass impeding into my left shoulder, but with true optimism, I’d be ok. I might even be bulletproof.

I have pretended to be an optimist for months, weeks. But it feels as real as a plastic gun. I’m losing it, and with each deep breath, each prayer, each hope, I’ve only gotten angrier! Why doesn’t this work? Why don’t I work!?

5 hours ago. Right now, I’m atop a hill. I see other hills with houses, people, families. They’re smiling and laughing. Above, clouds fluttering in a sky that’s been blue since before I was ever angry. Soon, it’ll turn orange, after that, dark with stars. The stars themselves take millions of years to reach us. And our planet has been spinning for longer than that.

My point? A view like this has met people like me. The scared and frustrated. In history, we’ve either kept being mad, or somehow we had moved past these regrets. These painful memories. Hilltops like these help decide which path to choose. I’d better make up my mind quick because I see someone else coming up, ready to decide for themselves.